lord,

i can feel my spiritual languishing. but maybe that's all it is - feelings. I know feelings aren't always true. I know that you're real and I know that you're listening to me.

I just question whether or not I am truly hearing you. I wonder if your voice is really really just my own voice for real - just pretending to be you.

I know you are there - but i still feel distant - point of recognition

i know you are there but i can still feel you close - i just had to quote that lyric for the sake of quoting it.

God how many people actually quote lyrics to you?

i dont know - i'm just rambling

im trying to speak to you from my heart

i love you so much lord.

i know that feelings aren't always true and in fact can be deceiving.

i know you are there.

i just feel as if my spiritual longings are started to dissipate. i am wondering if i am losing interest in you. im wondering if im actually just coming down from a manic psychosis and all those times i felt you were in fact just deceptive feelings of . . well .. psychosis.

what happens to religion (i use that word hesistantly) becomes normal?

is my relationship just becoming normal with you

is that a good thing?

it becoming normal

Lord I just don't want to lose sight of you in the routine of my days. i don't want to be writing things that are unworthy to be written of you.

i know its a dark tale im writing and i feel the writing has some sort of purpose - but lord its just so dark

lord,

i want to know you really care about my writing and aren't just letting me write some fucked up book that ends in a fucked up way because you don't care

no

i know you care

i just dont want to be doing things outside of your guidance

i dont even know if i should post this online

probably not

i know this is personal

i guess this would help some people. i know if i post it on my blog that no one reads - maybe the right person will read it

lord im so sorry for . . no im not sorry. i know you would forgive anyways - but i know that the times that i dont even want to say ignorant - but rather didn't have a focus on you - weren't really my fault and ultimately you had a purpose in those times

lord i need to quit smoking

alright here comes the petitioning for some want - no more discussing things - no more just talking to you like a friend

lord i need you to help me quit smoking

i have a problem, i can admit that - i smoke and i smoke and i smoke way too much

i need you to help me with step one - desiring to quit

i need your gentle voice to remind me not to light up that second smoke

maybe thats where we can start - eliminating chainsmoking

lord i didn't write anything to you lastnight - because i just felt silence in myself

right now im just writing and writing and i dont even know what im going to write next

i know you're listening

so what do you think?

do you think i should quit writing this graphic novel and work on something holy?

do you think i need to just go burn all my cigarettes and then freeze my bank account and go through a period of insane cravings and longings

can we work together on these things?

lord help me write the right things - help me reflect the right emotions - if im going to do a dark tale help me cement in the real moral of the story

help me so madoc's enlightenment - help me show that what happens is terribly wrong - help this not be a work that gets misunderstood - help it become a light in a tunnel - although its a dark tale.

i dont have much left to say

can you help me with my meditation - teach me what to focus on - or what not to focus on - let me hear an answer from you

again i ask

let me not lose interest in you

let my nightly rituals never become an empty ritual

inject life into my spiritual expressions towards you

let me find life and abundance in my spiritual religious expressions

i know you've got a lot planned for me - and im glad im not losing sight of the moment lord - but don't let my passion for graphic design dwindle - help that flame burnt brightly when the time comes - i want to be excited for going back to school - i don't want to think of it as a trial or a huge obstactle - i dont really want to think of it as anything but a process towards betterment

i love you lord

thank you

Its been nearly a week and a half since I made some choices about how I am going to approach my thinking processes in regard to religion and my obsession with it.

I have written in my novel I am trying to give birth to that I have given up on religion. This has grown over the past week of depression into a giving up on Christianity.

I think it can be argued that I really already gave up on religion a long time ago. My thoughts (maybe not my actions, but that's a different topic) have shown that I don't agree with organized religion whatsoever.

To define religion merely as a way of life supported by a system of beliefs would be a weak definition as it can be argued everybody is somewhat guided by a system of beliefs. It is the popular opinions and popular system of beliefs and when you decide to follow a set guideline for thinking, that to me is religion. That is what I give up upon. I give up the idea that I need to follow a popular system of belief, that I need to believe as others believe to support my way of life. My way of life when it comes to believe is strictly anarchist (pardon the term). I believe in no religious authority over me. I may take some truths from popular systems of belief, I may enjoy reading some holy scripture and it doesn't have to just be the bible. I may even agree with some points popular systems of belief display. Such as love your enemies and take care of the poor and needy. However I place no authority in religion over my life. I place my own personal authority on top of religion in my life in that I decide what I believe; not what popular opinion or rigid dogma may dictate.

So it can be argued that I gave up on religion a long time ago.

I was trying to court a girl a while back, she had a boyfriend. I don't know what was going through my head. We spent a lot of time together around school. This was back when I first fucked up my schooling in Graphic Design. Her name doesn't really matter except to talk about psychosis. I went to her house one night and hung out with her and her friend. I drank a little and had any empty mickey in my pocket by morning.

In the morning (it was Sunday) I wanted to go to church so I went to the closest church that was right nearby. It ended up being a Mormon church.

I remember they sat me down and probably gave me the schpeel of what they believe. I remember I openly and vocally "I don't believe in organized religion."

A strange memory yes and quite a tangent but that's what my writing voice seems to be in this novel attempt. The point being my disagreement with organized religion goes pretty far back.

I can't really pinpoint the exact timing that I eventually gave up on religion. It was probably a gradual process of life just turning me towards that direction.

So if I already gave up on religion what did I give up a week and a half ago?

I think I gave my obsessiveness to understand religion. My obsessiveness to make my own system of belief that I could try and popularize. How ironic and hypocritical to someone opposed to religious authority to try and create a system of belief others adopt.

It goes full circle back to the very beginning of this novel attempt as well. I've given up on reading book after book on Christianity trying to fit my square beliefs into the paradigm of Christianity. I have given up thinking I just have to finish a book. In fact if you're bored with reading this I implore you to put it down and write your own book. Be creative, be free, love yourself.

I've given up thinking that I have to fit my puzzle piece into the big picture of Christianity. I need not try and make my opinions and beliefs line up with popular systems of belief. I believe that was what I was trying to do.

Because I have such a weight on me of growing up and being raised a Christian I feel that I have to somehow fit my puzzle piece into Christianity. I have to somehow make my all my so called heretical beliefs with Christianity.

It also goes back to how I feel I should be a Christian to make my parents happy.

I need to accept that I don't need to be obsessed with being a Christian or acting as a Christian.

I will believe what I believe and not worry whether or not I can be called a Christian.

I am still wrestling with whether or not I can be called a Christian, yes, but I am learning to not let it stress me out and be something of so much importance.

If I want to be labeled a Christian, it is my personal choice. It is not going to be something to wear my back to appeal to popular opinion of belief.

Right now as we speak I could write like Bertrand Russel the reasons why I am not a Christian. Right now as well I could write a long deep chorus of why I am a Christian. Is this cognitive dissonance? Possibly.

It's just where I am at.

So yes. I have given up on religion, I am giving up on my obsession with religion (its like trying to quit smoking), and I am giving up on trying to be a Christian.

There is no reason in my mind to think that anything about our minds, our thoughts, our questions isn't succumb to some sort of fragility.

What does this mean in relation to beliefs?

Can a fragile mind actually properly believe something in strength?

When we believe things with a fragile mind how can sure of what is truth?

Beliefs to me are fragile. Beliefs are under constant bombardment of influence from the environment around you. Beliefs are engrained into you as you grow up and are raised to think a certain way.

I have a hard time believing what I was taught in church. I was taught the importance of belief in Christ as the redeeming salvation from the terrible torment of hell.

How can such a terrible consequences be placed on something so fragile as belief?

66666666666666666666666666666666666666

I don't remember waking this morning. I obviously did my usual chores with my mom taking care of the animals in the barn.  I remember crawling back into bed and waiting for the time we would be leaving. I was going to see a counselor today. Her name is that of the mother on a popular television cartoon series.

It was my first session with the usual questions that try their best to get a snapshot of where a person is at.

I wouldn't say I am in desperate need of counseling like some people would find themselves. I am just at a plateau in my life; in between possible modes of action. Yesterday, I was a mental case and tomorrow I'll be a graphic design student. We're not speaking in literal days to you young earth creationists.

After the counseling session I went and bought a book at a small bookstore that is run by volunteers and supports a local library. I picked up Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse. A friend I worked with at a restaraunt who also worked at a men's shelter recommended it to me a long time ago. The themes so far in the book seem to be that of loneliness.

Even now I recognize that I am lonely. I spend my time on the internet waiting for friends to come online just to shoot the shit.

After the bookstore I went to a mental health drop in centre called Friends and Neighbours.

I usually spend my time chain smoking and not really saying much.

I have been smoking way too much lately. I tried to cut down when I was in fear of not having enough to last me; alas I now have money to indulge in buying more and am back to chainsmoking.

Even though I was surrounded by people today I recognize that I am lonely.

I spend most of my time doing absolutely nothing.

I have tons I could be doing. I just don't have the motivation to do so.

I rarely shower as I don't actually don't do anything to justify it.

I showered today because I'll be seeing friends in the next literal days coming. I'll be seeing a hardcore show all by my lonesome than meeting up with my old flame Val. After that I'm going to see my friend brendon in his new place of residence in Peterborough. Hardcore is a form of music that is fast, aggressive and probably would rip your face off. Val is a goddess who is frankly speaking opening a new leaf in her life. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and experiencing for the first time in a while being single. Brendon is more than just a linecook, but i fail to describe him any other way except as my best friend since childhoo.

Other than seeing some people today at Friends and Neighbours and getting to see friends over the next few days which I am looking forward to; I recognize that I am desperately lonely.

I have made a silent vow to myself to be single the rest of my life.

A dream has awoken old feelings of the warmth of being with somebody; actually living with someone. The dream puts into question how well I can really handle a life of singlehood; a life of possible loneliness.

I've only recently become to see myself as lonely when I find myself complacent with what to do with myself during my times being alone. I wait until friends come online. I enjoy the times I can call up good friends and just talk.

I posted online the lyrics to a song by Pedro the Lion.

    Love well young man, while you still can.
    Once your leaves turn you won't love again.

    In time memories fade, senses numb,
    one forgets how it feels to have loved completely, completely.
...
    Is it special when you're lonely,
    will you spend your whole life in a studio apartment with a cat for a wife?

These words haunted me when I was in a relationship with Val as I realized at darker times in my thinking that I lusted for a life of loneliness. I lusted for a life of singlehood. These times were dark because I was desperately and madly in love with her.

Stranger are the darker times when I would see a picture of us together and it would seem like a foreign object, and alien artifact, something from another dimension.

I hate to be so honest about such dark things in fear she'll actually will read these words.

I think and hope that Val understands why what happened, happened. I still love her dearly and as the cliche goes hope the best for her.

In a recent conversation with her, she being really close to me confronted me about something that could be a problem for myself. She really knows me and knows the workings of my head.

She confronted me on my obsession with religion. I am one in the past to admit fully and openly that I am obsessed with religion; particularly the one having to do with Jesus Christ. Not that I haven't dabbled in reading into other religions and personally gleaned much truth from them.

She really was wondering what benefit to my life is there in my constantly wrestling and struggle with religion. I admit that my attempts at researching and studying into the origins of christianity, the meaning of who christ is, my fight against traditional fundamentalist, my delving into nihlistic athiesm; it all has been a strenuous battle for me.

I have been trying to define God. I've been trying to put him in a box. This is ultimately an impossibility.

I don't know how else to explain but I've been holding on tightly to something, some sort of angst against religion. I've been trying to rationalise the irrational. I've been trying to make sense of something that is extremely subjective.

Religion is ultimately bullshit. Why am I so obsessed with it?

Ultimately although I call it bullshit, I can't let go of certain key concepts.

I still believe in God. Who he is? I don't fucking know.

I am trying my best to let go of religion. The crappy catchphrase that is steeped in christianese goes "It's not about religion, it's about relationship."

They believe that even though they are a religion, and as much as they try to deny that, they believe that they are about a relationship with God.

Although I see this as a silly argument of self-denial, I do agree with the silly catchphrase.

From now I will merely pray to a God who is undefined.

I won't believe he is an angry vindictive rulemaker. I won't believe he sends people to hell.

I'll pretend he is actually listening. Maybe he or she really is listening, I really don't fucking know.

Am I giving up questioning? Am I giving up my search for truth? Am I giving up an obsession that gives birth to learning? Am I giving up honest searching? Am I settling for second best?

I can answer no to these questions.

I am giving up my struggle. I am giving up my scratching at a wall trying to dig through. I am giving up trying to measure the unmeasurable.

I still will search for truth but I will do it organically. I will do it with faith that if I go with the flow of the river, the river will lead me somewhere.

I will still have questions come up. I will still have struggles at times.

I am letting go though of my angst and heartache.

I am no longer going to be bound by an unquenchable thirst.

For the time being I'm giving up on reading book after book on Christianity.

I'm going to read works such as Steppenwolf that deal with the human condition emotionally.

I am still going to search but I am going try to search through experience and self exploration.

I feel good in giving up something that was holding me back mentally.

I am giving up an obsession and picking up a life of freedom.

I am going to enjoy life and try and make the best out of myself.

I am going to try and start doing more around the farm; a whole lot more.

I am going to love myself and put myself first as the only way I can to eventually serve others.

im fucking messed up and i found a way to write a journal entry

god forgive me for my sins let me no perish, but let me live

i live for you, if i can. right now its really hard

maybe surrender is the answer

lord i love you so much and i believe in your compassion

maybe i can 'blah blah blah' about you filling me with your goodness

but what i truly want is your goodness in reason

i want to know your thoughts

what is going through your head

i dont get reality

i dont get the bible

is that a stumbling block?

the bible is my stumbling block

a little christianese for you

i dont know

god give me the spirit of isdom

i need to be learned

i need to be wise

these are my longings

i feel arrogant in asking but ill ask anyways

increase my intelligence

but also increase my wisdom

Lord show me the way to truth

and mind the guardians of confusion and paradox

im currently trying to dodge them

i love you lord

i do, i mean it.

your compassion means everything to me

dont let it stop flowing because of some incident of sin

let it flow on me

i praise you lord,

you are everything to me

i love you

teach me to walk in your wisdom

i love you lord

teach me discipline

rules judgment and all that bullshit

but in your eyes how do you see things?

because i want to know

i want your wisdom and reason.

not mine.

maybe that is the kierkegaardian leap

who knows?

i love you lord

peace

blessings

shalom

amen
 
truly truly

amen

Having taken up the daunting task of a search for philosophical and spiritual truth (truth pertaining to metaphysical and religious ideas) I feel led by my spirit to summarize the ideas that will be the foundation of my thinking. This is in no way an attempt to solidify and cement the idea of truth with a capital "T". This is merely an attempt at creating a clearer picture for myself of my own personal perspective on truth. This is also a way of creating a snapshot for future reference when trying to gauge my own personal progression in my search. I stress this is deeply personal and not meant to be a manifesto or creed preached to a mass audience. I will only share it with people as a way for further correction or even rebuking, if necessary. I am learning. I am on a path in search of knowledge (gnosis). I don't make claim to have any certain truth. I only make claim to my inadequacy as a thinker and hope only for further growth and refinement.

1) My current knowledge is inadequate. When seeking things out and searching for further truth I find myself hitting road blocks of the daunting tasks of endless areas of possible study. I have come to admit to myself that what I know is merely not enough.

2) Religious and Spiritual truths are subjective. There is no way to know truly which doctrines or dogmas are correct. Certainty in such areas is merely certainty of an essence of correctness - not a certainty of the barest details. Certainty that people claim to have is a certainty that they are in the right neighbourhood - but they will never find the correct house where truth lives. I affirm that knowledge of religious things is forever going to be one of agnosticism. I contradict myself however in saying that I do seek a perfection of knowledge and somewhat of a certainty. I recognize though that this certainty will only be of being in the right neighbourhood but never finding the correct house where truth lives. I search for a certainty of a mere essence of truth.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

3) I do not know what I believe about the one known as Jesus Christ. I claim no idea whether or not he is a historical figure. I don't claim to know if the writings of him are true. What I do claim is that the idea of Christ; the idea of God becoming man and being a roadway for humans to God is what I find truth in. I do not claim to have found a capital "T" truth in Christ although my heart and spirit begs it. Jesus is special in my heart but that may not be based in rational thinking. This thinking may be merely in the fact it is who I grew up into believing is God. I have yet to define the image of Christ rationally.

4) I believe in a mythology. It helps me express my world view. Not that myths are particularly true, rather they express an essence of truth that I can feel and resonate with. This truth that I feel and resonate with is not merely confined to the Bible. I have found it in the Bhagavad Gita, the writings of the Gnostics, and even in popular media such as the Silmarillion, Fight Club, the Matrix and the Spawn comics.

I feel the right on my own authority to steal truth from many different sources. I recognize this can run into the problems of taking things out of context and also inconsistencies between the varying systems from which I pirate truth. This is something I recognize as a problem and will seek to work out.

5) I am anarchist towards any spiritual or religious authority. I am a monarchy unto myself when it comes to my search for truth. This being said I also respect others to have the same spirit of being an authority unto themselves. I will respect and seek out the opinions of others to help further shape my search for truth but reserve my own final judgments on what I believe. I do not believe when in matter of religion and philosophy one person being in any sort of authority over another. I respect religious organization as only a collective of ideas and never a final authority on matters of truth, religion, and philosophy. If I ever come into the position of having someone willing to disciple me in my search for truth, I respect their own authority only as one equal to my own.

With these five statements I recognize I could be completely wrong. I however under my own authority believe I have found somewhat a foundation for my beliefs moving forward. I only hope to learn where I am wrong and become more clear in areas where I am may be right. 

if you haven't noticed or i haven't made it known to you - I've gotten back into God. I can't say it more eloquently, I can merely state that I'm starting to return to a belief in God and yes religion.

Religion is such a nasty word and many people would say that I shouldn't stress religion, I should stress relationship with God. However, I don't like this distinction as belief in God whether or not you like it is a religious concept.

When it comes to religion, things get messy and nasty, yes? Suddenly we're searching out into the great unknown that is beyond our material senses. We are seeking answers outside of what is self-evident.

The things of God are not self-evident. You can refute me on this but I must make it clear that I don't believe God is going to come down out of heaven and show me the correct way to practice religion. He's not. He's supposedly left that up to men and women who are fallible and filled with fragility.

The key word I am getting to is uncertainty.

Whatever definition of God you have, it is completely uncertain whether or not that definition of God is true. There is no magic marker that comes out and highlights your life as the one that is following the true definition of God.

It is all very subjective.

There is no way to differ between one person's experience of God and another's. Many different people of different faiths and variations of faith; endless lines of denominations all experience God.

They all believe different things on a very open-ended concept: God.

With that said, you can agree with me or disagree. You merely support the fact that it's subjective.

Belief in God according to Kierkegaard is a leap of faith. This major revelation that belief in God is a leap of faith came to me before I even read Kierkegaard. I blogged about it speaking about how my rational mind of reason has to make a huge leap, almost the distance across an ocean. *

With this leap of faith I am now tearing apart the Bible in search of truth.

Why the bible?

Because that is what I have been brought up upon and the very foundation I hope to strengthen or dissipate. It's the common ground I have with other believers of faith. It is the cornerstone of belief for many people - and other people are they who will help shape and define my belief. Being a common ground it is something I need to research and pull apart and understand whether or not I want it to be a common ground in the first place.

The uncertainty with the Bible that remains and always remains is whether or not it truly is God inspired. Whether or not it is merely a political machine concocted to create a religion rather than an experience with God.

An example of this uncertainty is as follows.

I am heavily interested in Gnostic ideas. Not because of scholarly research, no because I merely read the texts and resonated with them. I left the scholarly research to others who support the Gnostics as a viable sect of Christianity that was wiped out not merely because of truth rather politics. This is all subjective and may or may not be true. Again, uncertainty.

I have no clue about the early church and how they came to decide what got put into the New Testament but I am searching.

The example being that I have been searching for the truth about gnosticism and I found myself looking at a verse in Collossians.

Colossians 2:8-9 (English Standard Version)

 8See to it that no one takes you captive by(A) philosophy and(B) empty deceit, according to(C) human tradition, according to the(D) elemental spirits[a] of the world, and not according to Christ. 9For(E) in him the whole fullness of deity dwells(F) bodily,

It's very use of the word fullness (pleroma) is a gnostic term. This is a case of direct knock at gnosticism, if I am connecting the dots right. Again there is uncertainty.

I found it interesting that the writer Paul would do a direct knock at gnosticism. There is a gnostic teacher Valentinus who claims to have had direct gnostic knowledge passed down to him from one of Pauls disciples. **

This would seem like an open and shut case, but it's not. Because the very authorship of that book is in question whether or not Paul actually wrote it. It's part of what is called deutero-pauline epistle. ***

So it's very possible that someone with a political agenda to wipe out the Gnostics wrote that in there.

Again there's uncertainty.

Because no one is certain who wrote any of this.

This is why I stress the uncertainty of belief. This small example shows how you can do as much lay man attempts at scholarly research as possible with the material you're given and yet still remain uncertain.

When it comes to belief in God I am uncertain.

Does this leave me at agnosticism?

Does this leave me a heretic for not being certain?

I don't really care for labels but I do care for the search for truth. When this search for truth exits the realm of self-evidence and enters the realm of religion and mysticism we can only be uncertain.

 * wings of fire below.
 ** http://www.gnosis.org/library/valentinus/Valentinus.htm
 *** http://gbgm-umc.org/umw/corinthians/deutero.stm

lord,

i forgive you for making me bipolar.

lord.

i forgive you for making my brother autistic.

is this my only defense against your existence?

maybe if i define you as all-powerful and in control?

you are in control aren't you lord?

then what is mental illness?

should i throw out your definition of hell

because some of us, our beliefs are born fragile?

i think i love you lord,

but there's so many unsanwered questions i have lord,

i just don't get it.

why did you send your son to die?

is that what it takes for you to be able to forgive us?

is that what your infinite mercy dictates?

that you must die?

brutally at the hands of your creation?

it makes no sense to me lord!

i just don't get it

if you have a holy spirit,

send it to me.

cause right now i am in real need of some help,

i forgive you for being slow,

slow to reply

slow to act

slow to prove yourself,

The observance of my senses can only go so far in my seeking of knowledge and wisdom.

What does it mean when two separate persons "ask of god" when "lacking wisdom" (James 1:5) and find themselves at two opposing answers?

Is it possible to measure truth? Truth is intangible and fits no ruler.

God's voice is silent. He is not heard. He remains aloof in our search for answers.

If he cares to which truth we should arrive, he is not obvious in his swaying.

Even if one were to arrive at some tangible idea of truth, this person would still be relying on faith. Faith that their conclusions aren't false and that they haven't been led astray. Faith in their sources from which they've drawn conclusions aren't blind shepherds.

People must take the bible up in faith.

Faith isn't a measure of truth. It is rather a leaping out from a ledge hoping that one doesn't fall. Hoping rather that they are caught by the supposed turth they are putting faith towards.

Who am I to say whose blind leap is right and whose blind leap is false?

The material universe as seen through observable senses can only answer questions of how things are.

The only thing one can conclude from material senses, and this is my perspective, the undeniable beauty of the universe.

When I see the sun setting and the stars lighting up of endless galaxies – I see beauty.

That is perspective of the confirmed truth of their very existence.

Then again the confirmed truth can be questioned whether or not the so called confirmed truth exists at all.

Could it all be illusion what our collective senses perceive?

Is truth so aloof from us that we must question our most solid observable reality?

I guess it's once again faith that we believe in observable reality.

In my perspective the observable reality, which we take in faith to be really real in the first place, holds no further truth except the reality of itself.

The question of greater truth.

The question of God.

Remains unanswerable.

And continuously unanswerable.

This remains a dark conclusion that there are no answers in observable reality.

There remains no God behind the beauty of the burning ball 93 million miles away.

Questions of how this all came to b e – how did something come from nothing. Ah, the infinite regress.

Questions of purpose, questions of "why" remains unanswered.

The first step of faith is to believe in the reality around me as true. It isn't illusion, a statement of faith.

Does one have to stop there.

Does God have to remain aloof from us – a fairy tale to make the unanswerable questions seem not so bothersome. Is it possible to take a second leap of faith?

Is it possible to believe in God?

My hands remain tied.

All things are unanswerable and uncertain.

Is it faith that I believe reality to be real?

Is it faith to believe reality is illusion? Definitely more so.

But the questions remain unanswerable.

Even with the solidity of reality things remain uncertain.

If I must take so much with faith – how much bigger a leap is it to believe in this aloof God.

To some reality's complexity and perceived beauty implies a creator.

To me it doesn't

To me this is a leap of faith.

This leap of faith. This leap of faith isn't merely leaping between two buildings. It's a leap across oceans.

This is my rational conclusion then.

To believe in god is a leap of faith between two lands separated by an ocean.

This rational conclusion brings me no peace.

This rational conclusion leaves me empty inside.

Is it my theistic upbringing that begs for a God with a capital "G?"

Just because I feel a need for God doesn't mean he/she/they have to exist.

However I feel compelled to make the leap of faith.

Rather I shall construct for myself wings and fly.

With which shall I construct these wings?

The wings many people have constructed have used myth.

The framework for my wings shall not be myth alone.

Rather the inborn fire I feel inside.

This fire inside is what compels me to make this leap of faith in the first place.

This fire is a longing for God

This fire is a longing for meaning

To make this leap of faith is not just to find belief in God. This leap is the process by which I define god.

What if in my leaping search between lands I find no God?

Then so be it.

I shall make the leap no matter what.

This leap of faith is my search for meaning and purpose.

For the time being this leap will be one of faith in God.

So what if I wake up, the sun is shining and there is no God in the sky?

Will meaning and purpose be lost?

This conclusion is my depression.

In the meantime I leap out in search, I fly on the fiery wings I've constructed in search of purpose, in search of meaning, and yes possibly the search for God.

Where will my search lead, I cannot say.

Will it be to deconstruct the preconceived notion that purpose and meaning are tied to God?

Will it be to construct a faith that stands strongly in belief in God?

Will it be to construct a faith that stands strongly in belief in God?

I cannot say.

I can only conclude thus:

Now I've constructed wings from my inner fire I shall leap buildings and maybe yes, oceans.

I have thoughts i wish to express. I hope I can express them well - for i feel they're bigger than me and are somewhat hard to grasp. Please bear with me - I am not a huge theological thinker.

I don't know if it's the chemistry in my brain acting up - but I'm starting to believe again. Something that I've been desperate for. I long for passion.

Starting to believe, I am starting to take apart and rethink what faith can mean to me. What faith in God could mean.

One thing I've come into contact with is the ideology that we as mankind and womankind are hopeless sinners in need of grace.

Maybe it's me fighting conviction - but I don't want to believe in a God who believes me to be a hopeless sinner in need of grace. in need of salvation.

I don't like the idea that there's a list of rules of terrible things I can do that separate me from a holy God.

I want to believe in a God that believes in me. Doesn't believe I am depraved and lowly.

I don't want to develop a guilt complex for every little thing I do.

I believe God has already placed in me morals. Morals that I can easily abide by.

I want to believe that I am truly made in the image of God.

I don't want to think that the reason the world is so fucked up is because of our own freewill. That it's our choices that fucked things up.

I personally believe the responsibility for the world's fucked-up-ness relies on the creator.

I don't believe it's our responsibility to fall prostrate before God and confess our terrible wicked ways when it was God who made us in our "terrible wicked ways."

It's God's fault the current state of the world.

It's God's fault the state of mankind's apparent lack of morality.

Freewill is a cop out.

He (or She) could have made us into beings who understand morality properly.

I am only trying to express my feelings that belief in God should never be a guilt complex of how we are depraved sinners. Hopelessly lost.

Now I'm getting into issues of morality and freewill, things way above my head.

I want to fall back on the gnostic idea of the demiurge. That our creator really is an evil jealous god of wrath. That it's our material existence to blame for the problems of our reality.

I want to be able to have a faith - without losing my belief in myself.

I want to be able to have a faith - without feeling a guilt complex in which I rely on God to help me through.

Some would say grace is the answer. That we don't have to feel guilt now under the law of grace.

But under grace we are admitting that we are in lacking.

I don't fucking know.

I am happy to have written this - and I believe in myself as strong and whole and truly my soul is made in the image of God.

“You wear the cross like a dagger. You wear the cross like a crown.” Norma Jean

Sure, Damien was a troubled kid but what kid wasn't during those awkward years when you were still young but had to start acting and thinking like an adult. He was depressed, all the symptoms were there. Then again what kid wasn't depressed during those awkward years.

The centre of his depression was definitely this God in the sky. The man Jesus. Who knows how long it's been but things were slowly unraveling for him. It wasn't even a matter of theology. It was a matter of loneliness. To Damien God was a million light years away. God was deaf to his prayers and those so called private times when he'd sneak off to let out a stream of tears behind some lonely pew.

Time was slowly undoing all his belief. He was holding with every last grain of faith he had. The grain a size of a mustard seed wasn't moving mountains for Damien. It was destroying him. Some would say he had to give it all up. Others would say he had to give in to God. Give it all to God. What did that even mean.

George, his best friend and smoking buddy outside of the church knew something was up with Damien. George had his own demons to fight as well. He was going through the same awkward years. He was going through the same trials. They just hit Damien much harder.

Some would say that deep down both George and Damien had some hidden sin that they needed to deal with. That the source of their problems was an unseen block between them and God. Damien would say that was utter bullshit and probably flip them off. If he had the guts. Who knew when he'd finally snap.

Yeah those thinkers were definitely part of the youth group. Those who had all the answers wrapped up so simply. Their faith wasn't unraveling. Their faith was made them who they are. Their faith was their trophy.

Jenny and Grace were the best of friends. They came from affluent families out in the suburbs. They always wore shit like American Eagle or Aeropostale. Not that that really mattered did it? Damien and George always wore some metalcore shirt. Sure it's been become a cheesy genre but it's what they liked.

Jenny and Grace led their own separate cells. Cancerous cells was what George liked to think of them. They were small groups that everybody separated off into after worship. They would all carry on with bible studies, group discussion, prayer, personal accountability – things like that.

Damien and George's cell leader was a tall gangly fellow everyone called Skinny. Who knows how these nick names get started but it stuck. Skinny was a good fellow. He loved leading studies into the bible and trying to listen to everyone's different thoughts. He tried his best and that was all that really mattered, wasn't it? He wasn't the strongest leader and was kind of oblivious to deeper issues that flowed beneath the ice. Skinny liked such bands as Switchfoot and Relient K. Wussy shit Damien would call it. Skinny usually wore a nameless hoodie and jeans. Skinny's group was a small cell. There was only three others than Damien and George.

Tonight they were all studying the kingdom of God.